“respondez s’il vous plez”

     Some of us remember the first President Bush’s program for a “kinder gentler America.”  Some of us remember Miss Manners and Amy Vanderbilt.  Some of us even remember Emily Post.  Unfortunately, many people no longer remember simple, basic rules of etiquette.
     Recently, a facebook friend wrote about an all-too-common transgression these days – not sending a thank you or even acknowledging the receipt of a gift.  Her comments elicited quite a number of responses, mostly from folks who have had similar experiences – all of which made me think about good manners and what has happened to them in our fast-paced world.
     My own lack-of-manners complaint has to do with responding to invitations.  No longer do people have a clue as to the meaning of R.S.V.P. (respondez s’il vous plez or please respond), or if they do, they put their own spin on it.  I’ve had more than one person say to me, “I’ve been waiting to see what my weekend looks like before letting you know…”  Hello!  That says to me, “I’ve been waiting to see if something better comes along.” 
     I was taught to say “yes” or “no” within 24 hours of receiving an invitation, certainly in no more than two days.  Obviously, there can be extenuating circumstances – a sick family member and you’re not sure they’ll recover in time, for instance.  But letting the potential host or hostess know is only polite.
     Nyel and I host House Concerts fairly regularly throughout the year.  There are about 100 names on our list, representing, conservatively, 150 people.  In order to make the concert worthwhile for the musicians, especially if they are coming from Portland or Seattle, we need an audience of 25 to 40 people.  I send out the invitations ten days to two weeks in advance.  Very often it gets to be two or three days before the event and I’ve only heard back from 15 or 16 people – by that time, too late to cancel.
     We send out reminders and make phone calls until we feel as though we are harassing people.  It’s stressful and more than once we have considered giving up on House Concerts entirely.  But both musicians and audiences insist that they love the venue and want more.  Thus far in ten years we’ve only had to cancel one concert.  And yes, as soon as we cancelled we got two calls, each saying “But I was just waiting to see if…”
     We’ve speculated why good manners seem to be a thing of the past.  The best we can come up with is that too many people are just too self-involved to give much thought to other people’s plans or feelings.  I really can’t think of a better reason.  In fact I can’t think of any good reason for bad manners.